Personal boundaries are about respecting yourself and demanding respect from others. It’s about knowing which behaviours, from family members or colleagues at work, you are willing to tolerate and which you are not. Setting boundaries will help you feel in power and in control of yourself instead of feeling like a victim.

Setting personal boundaries means to establish reasonable and safe guidelines or limits for people to behave towards you and how you would respond if someone crosses them.

But demanding something for ourselves can leave us feeling uncomfortable so we need to learn how to healthily set them without feeling bitchy, guilty or mean.

Being a nice person doesn’t mean you need to be a people pleaser.

How to effectively set personal boundaries

Value yourself. You have the ability to set your own boundaries as you see fit. Learn to know yourself and your values. Few people will treat you better than you demand, so take responsibility for taking care of yourself.

Define yourself. Do not let anyone else define you. Decide who you are, what you want to be, and how you deserve to be treated. What are you willing to accept from others? What are you no longer willing to accept?

Make yourself your priority. No one else is more important than you. Running yourself ragged for others really isn’t helping anyone. You’ll be a better person, parent and partner if you take good care of yourself.

Know your triggers. You can’t control everyone, but you can make it clear that you won’t tolerate rude or negative comments. They are comments or actions that affect you deeply. By becoming aware of your triggers, you can learn to notice when others are “pushing your buttons” and consciously calm yourself to tone down your reaction.

Communicate openly. When people cross your boundaries, it’s up to you to inform them. Many times, this is as simple as refusing a request. The word No is a complete sentence. You may be required to provide more explanation in other instances but don’t justify yourself, be firm. Others are unable to give you what you want if you don’t provide feedback.

Avoid taking things personally. Learn how to brush off comments that don’t matter,  these are never a reflection of you, anyway. Handle issues with kindness and respect. Use a neutral and calm tone of voice while communicating. Take your time to defuse from your emotions.

Work on your body language. Body language is extremely important in any situation. When trying to become more assertive, your body language must reflect this as well. Stand straight, speak up, make sure your hands aren’t crossed over your chest, and maintain eye contact with whomever you’re speaking with. When you look confident, people will perceive you as such.

Having boundaries is an exercise in caring for and respecting yourself. You have the right to expect a certain level of respect and consideration from others. Boundaries are not only good for your self-esteem and general mental health, but they are good for all other aspects of your life. They also help to put you in a better position to care for your friends and family.

Introduce changes gradually and test them. Be committed and patient. Developing and mastering new skills take time. Nurture yourself with self-care. Self-care is the best and easiest way to build your confidence up.

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Early this year, I had an incident in my son’s childcare centre that marked a turning point for me.

I felt all the mum-guilt being put on my back, and I felt blame for all that was going on. I felt I was failing as a mum for making my son behave like this. I’m sure you, as a mum, have felt like this before. No one can prepare us for this. Am I doing it right? What should I do in these circumstances? Am I being a bitch?

My current mindset is set to look for the lessons, this incident taught me the following:

1. I need to work on setting boundaries and becoming more assertive.
2. I must step away from the mum-guilt
3. My role as a mum is to support my son’s wellbeing and to guide him through change while checking on my own wellbeing as well.

Last February, when I picked my son up from daycare, his main carer told me he’d been looking sad, hadn’t been eating properly, had been hiding from her and not interacting with other kids.

“Something may be upsetting him”; his behaviour had been this way for weeks.

She asked me all the routine questions: “Have there been any changes at home?” She also asked a question that triggered me: “Is his daddy still around?” I wanted to say: WTF! That is a personal question. You are crossing boundaries here, and if his daddy is around or not or if there’s no daddy at all is none of your business. 

but.. I didn’t say anything, just left the centre crying, thinking what did I do to upset my son that much! 

Triggers

When facing a problem, something that sparks an instant reaction, ask yourself, why is this triggering me?* 

Why did it trigger me?

• Because we made changes at home. I resigned from my corporate job to start a business in order to spend more time with my son, but he clearly didn’t like it because he was upset. I’d better be working full-time, going back to “normal” because I wasn’t doing a good job as a mum since I was causing distress to my son.
• I was dealing with my own set of changes from being an employee to being a business owner.
• Because I felt she crossed a professional boundary, and I blame myself because I was always allowing that to happen, “people never respect you, Claudia”
• Because my whole life I’ve been battling anxiety and depression. Maybe he had inherited this from me or he was projecting me at daycare.

That’s the story my brain created. There’s a need to process and explain everything; it’s how we are wired. However, my conclusions were based on assumptions, not reality.

The Ladder of Inference

“ The Ladder of Inference describes the thinking process that we go through, usually without realizing it, to get from a fact to a decision or action” – Mindtools

I was high up in that ladder, assuming that I was the problem. However, it may not be true at all. In order for me to find the facts, I needed to step down the ladder to find out what was really going on.

Bye, bye, blame, guilt, feeling bad about myself, beating myself up for feeling I was failing as mum. I needed to stop thinking “I don’t want to be a “difficult person” when I asked them to investigate the matter further and decided to take action. I needed to get over the thoughts of being the “annoying mum” because I was concerned for his emotional wellbeing, but then more guilt and anxiety came because “I don’t want to be a helicopter mum.”

Stripping down to facts

Changes at home happened 6 months before this incident, and sure, I was still adjusting, but we were happy spending time together.

There have been changes in the centre in recent weeks: 3 staff members had left and we started toilet training. His closest friends had moved to a different room on another floor once the oldest kids left to start school. One of his favourite carers moved on with his career and left.

I think all the above situations can have massive impact on the life of a then almost 3-year-old and could explain his withdrawal behaviour in the centre.

Defuse your emotions

By defusing my emotions, I was able to think clearly, and then I knew what I had to do.

I was very happy with how the centre handled the situation. They listened to my concerns and supported my request for changing carers. He went to a new room with his old mates and was back to being his usual self. He still enjoys playing solo, but no one is concerned about that, certainly not me.

Changes affect us all… but not all of us cope in the same way.

In my mindset toolkit I keep tools to help me strip down to the facts so I could find a solution. However, how did I fail to recognise my son’s struggles with change?

Ask for help, you don’t need to have all the answers

Even though no one prepares you for motherhood, we have people around us who can help us become the parent we want to be. One of them is Jodie Thornton.

Jodie Thornton is a parenting coach who helps mothers build their kids’ emotional skills. She sees this pattern regularly where we adults look to our conditioning first to explain any issues that our kids are experiencing. So daycare educators often look to the most common reasons for a particular behaviour – in this case she may have seen similar behaviour from kids when their parents have separated – and we mothers are quick to assume that the cause must be our failings as mothers, as our culture tells us that we are usually to blame.

“It is that cultural conditioning that is getting in the way of us adults looking to what is happening for kids as individuals in the specific situation they are in” Jodie said.

Our cultural conditioning often goes even further to say that when our kids are experiencing change, that we should just ride it out and accept that our kids are having a hard time, sometimes from a softer space of “they’ll get used to it” and often from the harder energy of “they need to understand the world doesn’t revolve around them”.

While time often does help, in this case with my son while there was a lot of change happening in his life, it turned out that the specific change that had affected him was an issue with this educator which time was not going to solve. Potentially the educator could have improved her relationship with my son but time alone wouldn’t have been enough. If I had chosen to ride out the changes, or if I had been focused on the changes at home, I wouldn’t have realised that a positive relationship with the carer was what my son really needed.

Jodie’s suggestions for helping our kids through change:

1. Treat any ideas that come up about how the changes are affecting your child as just ideas. 99 children might have the same reaction to a situation but the 100th child might have a different reaction. Our children need support for their specific experience rather than what is likely happening for them based on the situation.
2. Regularly mention the changes without any agenda for the conversation so that your child is turning their attention to how they are feeling about it. Use sentences that aren’t leading to positive or negative feelings, just stating the facts so that it leaves space for them to share whatever might be coming up for them: “It’s so different at your new daycare” “You used to have Aaron as your carer and now you have Jane” “I’m at home more these days now that I have my business”. Sometimes validating their feelings about the process of change is all that is needed and sometimes you’ll find out new information about what they need to help them thrive through the change.
3. For young children, creating a scene with toys in play to mirror the changes allows them to role-play to process their feelings, find words to and get creative about what solutions they might like to ask for. So set up the dolls or transformers and say “oh look, this is a kid going to daycare and they are saying goodbye to Aaron because he doesn’t work here anymore. And now here’s Jane, the new carer” This can be a brilliant insight into how your child is feeling and what they’re thinking about the changes.

Once you believe you’ve worked out the cause of their struggle to accept the change, try out a solution and keep an open mind. It’s normal to need to try a few things to help them fully adjust to the change.

And finally, Jodie suggests that you have some support to move through change too. Part of the role of the village in raising our kids is how they support us to process how we feel, to be supported and to lovingly let us know that we might be focusing on blaming ourselves rather than looking impartially at what our kids are really needing right now.

And finally, Jodie suggests that you have some support to move through change too. Part of the role of the village in raising our kids is how they support us to process how we feel, to be supported and to lovingly let us know that we might be focusing on blaming ourselves rather than looking impartially at what our kids are really needing right now.

*Resources available for you right now:

Listen to Jim Fortin’s podcast episode on triggers to start seeing them as blessings. Click here

Book a session with Jodie Thornton and follow her on Facebook. Register to her free webinar: “Getting your kids to listen” here

Check out our resources for kids. (available only in Australia)

Start building your mindset toolkit with us, join the 3-day challenge!

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How busy are you these days? So many things you want to get done but just don’t have the time? It happens to the best of us. There just aren’t enough hours in the day sometimes. There are many things that you can now do online from the comfort of your home, including online shopping, banking online and catching up on the news. There are now also options to have certain appointments via video link on your computer. This has made life a lot easier in that regard as it means you do not need to spend time travelling to and from and it can be a lot more efficient for you.

Appointments such as those with your life coach or business coach or therapist can be done via online video link. Many people wonder if this method is efficient and works in the same way as an in-person appointment would. In our experience, this method is still highly successful for the involved parties and can have a very positive impact on you. There are many reasons why we think that this works and can continue to work moving forward.

Timing

One of the reasons that various appointments seem to take forever is because once you factor in the travel to and from, the parking and then the waiting for your turn – they tend to take forever! The benefit of having your appointment via video link is that you do not need to go anywhere in the lead up to the appointment. You can continue doing your day to day activities in the lead-up and then jump over to the computer once it is time to commence. This means that you are maximizing your time management.

Comfort

Being in the comfort of your own home means that you can make yourself as comfortable as possible for your appointment. Your therapist or coach is not going to mind if you have a blanket wrapped around you during your appointment. They want you to be as comfortable as possible and be in a position where you are happy to talk and release your emotions. This is a lot easier to do in a familiar place where you feel comfortable. You do not need to worry about walking out of the appointment and having people in the waiting room looking at you because you have tears running down your face or because you have become anxiety.

Confidence

Being in a familiar place with things that mean something to you, will help you to release the emotions, talk about the harder issues and push you to build your confidence. You will be more inclined to talk about the harder subjects, knowing that you are in a safe place. Your confidence levels will be boosted and you will be able to push through your boundaries and come up with some great plans and ideas.

Personalised

Being just one on one with your therapist or coach – even via video link gives a much more personal feel. When you have an appointment in an office, even though you are the only two in the room you know that there are a room full of people on the other side of the wall. You know that there will be people who see you walk in and out of the appointment. If you are struggling with self-esteem issues, mental health issues or anxiety, completing your appointments via video link can be very beneficial because it means that you are able to have your appointment and get the help you are seeking without the issue of your anxiety flaring up from being around people.

There are instances where online appointments may not work, for example, if you need to go through paperwork together or if you have an unstable internet connection. However, if you are in a position to do online appointments and your reasons for doing it are beneficial then we highly recommend it. 

It does not matter how you seek the assistance, as long as you find a way that works for both you and your coach and provides you with the answers you are seeking.

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How to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs are formed early in our life. They come from our own experiences while learning this world. They come from society, our family and our ancestors. Today I’m going to fill you in on a few truths, and show you: How to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs. 

Not all beliefs are bad ones. Some of them are useful and have helped you accomplish a lot in life already. Look around and see what your beliefs have created for you. I’m sure you can name at least 5 things that you are grateful for and you can thank your belief system for that! 

There are beliefs that were useful at one point in your life but when you want to reach another chapter, up-level even, they may be holding you back. Like the belief that being a mother and a professional are mutually exclusive. The belief that men earn more than women or that the only way to make consistent money is to work in an office.

Our own experiences, what we hear and common beliefs help to shape our belief system.

But…….just because the majority of society believes something, it doesn’t mean that it is truth. 

And………..news flash! Just because you believe something, it doesn’t mean that it is a truth.

Image: Pinterest

Misbeliefs throughout history

The common belief before the 3rd century BC was that Planet Earth was flat. That is was supported upon the backs of elephants and sea turtles. What now seems totally outrageous, back then, everyone accepted as truth. It took one person to challenge that belief and reveal that it just didn’t stack up.

However, even today,  a fair few still think the Earth is flat. They are called the Flat Earthers and believe that all theories that prove that the Earth is round or spherical are wrong. I found the Flat Earthers while researching about the most common strange beliefs, and I was surprised to find these theories. They have very interesting points of view and are convinced that all non flat Earthers are living a lie. There is even a Netflix documentary about this group. Round or flat? How does that belief affect your life?  

Probably not much but I want you to understand one important thing:

For every belief you will find at least one true and one false piece of evidence out there to support the case.

How to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs

For every belief you will find at least one true and one false (for and against) statement; or five, or as many as you need to prove it. The human brain is constantly looking for ways to validate our beliefs. 

The question to ask yourself is: How is [insert limiting belief] serving you? 

If the answer reveals that a belief is not serving you, then find statements or examples that prove to you that the opposite of that belief is true.

Here’s an example:

Let’s see how this works in practice…..

Say my friend Greta was a very successful professional, but when she became a mum, her priorities changed. She started hearing everyone saying that being a mum and having a successful corporate career are mutually exclusive. Everyone is saying it, so it must be true that mums with young kids can’t have successful careers. 

Greta defines a successful career as to be in a leadership role, earning six figures or more.

Is this belief serving Greta? No. It’s creating anxiety in her world. Making her feel like she’s failing as a mum and failing as a professional. It’s holding her back from being a successful career woman.

Hey Greta, good news, if that belief is not serving you, you can look for examples in that statement to prove that it is in fact false. I’ll help you.

I can name a few Hollywood actresses:  Mindy Kaling, Jennifer Gardner; Jacinda Arden, the Prime Minister of New Zealand or Mary Barra, chairwoman and CEO of General Motors Company.

So…..using just a handful of examples with the women mentioned above, you can see that is actually possible to achieve a successful career and have children.

Now the question is, what do you need to do in order to become that person?

How to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs

Beliefs vs Facts

We can change a belief but we can’t change a fact.

A fact for Greta’s statement is that the child is going to need someone to care for him/her. Either herself, a nanny or childcare. 

List all your options

What do I require to have a job in the corporate business and be the mum I want to be?

What do I require to build a profitable business and be the mum I want to be?

I can’t do it all, who can help me?

Build your resources.

What can I do to make my life easier?

Which of all these options will make me happier?

That’s a question you need to answer yourself. 

There is one tool that has helped me to answer that question: The Passion Test. [link: https://wellfulness.life/directory/the-passion-test/] 

It helped me rank my passions and desires in order of importance, so every time I’m faced with a decision I look at my list and ask myself: will this bring me closer or further ways from my top passions? 

• Recognise your limiting beliefs. What’s holding you back?
• List the facts and analyse your options.

There really is a solution for every challenge if you look hard enough.

I hope this blog has shown you how to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs. Now you can move forward and up-level to become the best version of you and know that the possibilities out there are limitless.

If you’d like to join a like-minded community of women on the road to achieving their goals, head on over to our Facebook community and we can celebrate problem solving and achieving goals together.

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