Category: Nourish Your Mind

“The law of attraction isn’t working for me” 

“Why my manifesting is taking so long?”

“Manifesting isn’t real, it’s just wishful thinking”

Those are three phrases I often hear when I talk about The Law of Attraction and manifesting with people. To be honest, I dislike using the word “manifesting” and the term “Law of Attraction” because they sound a bit icky to me too. It makes me feel like achieving your goals or wanting a better life is something mystical, mysterious and unattainable or destined for certain kind of people only. 

Manifesting is based on a function in your brain,  not something exclusive for intuitive or psychic people, it works equally for everybody because it is enabled by the Reticular Activation System (RAS) which is the part of your brain that filters information based on your belief system as a guide to determine what’s important for you and what’s not, influencing what you focus on and impacting your behaviours and actions.

I am a financial analyst with an accounting background, believe me when I said I have analysed every aspect of manifesting thoroughly and have an explanation for each part of it. 

When you are aware that your brain is the one responsible to do the manifesting job, anything becomes a possibility, there’s no secret other than knowing exactly what you want and living in alignment.

I can’t make manifesting work for me, help

How many times you’ve followed every advice that you’ve heard and what you wanted to manifest didn’t happen. Maybe you’ve only had luck manifesting small items or a parking space in a busy car park but not the “bigger things” and the printed version of your “Universe cheque” is already yellow, if you still have it, of course, but there are no signs of the amount you wrote down there.

**** Maybe just add up all the money you received since you wrote it down and you’ll be surprise that you actually had that money, not in one chunk as you expected… (I know I did manifest that money- over 3 years, but I did!) ***

You manifest from possibility not reality

Let me give you an example: You want to manifest a trip to Bora Bora with your partner. 

Most people will look at their monthly expenses and their bank account and will say “this is impossible, there’s no way I’ll ever go to Bora Bora” but not you, because you’ve learnt that everything in this life is possible and you manifest from possibilities not from reality. So you still write this down as something to manifest.

The first step is to know how much that trip will cost, so you go online or check with a travel agent, and get a quote. You already know that anything you want is possible so you don’t  feel discouraged when you see the amount and it doesn’t agree with your current situation but you continue, we are manifesting here! 

Knowing how much money it will cost turns a wishful thought into something tangible, real and now you can start brainstorming a plan (please don’t make excuses as we usually do) on ways  you can make this trip happen for you. 

If you are woo woo, here you are sending the right signals to the universe letting it know that you are serious and ready for this. The exact how maybe is not clear yet but you made a start and you are open to receive. 

Moving on, you start listing some of those possibilities,  at least the most obvious ones:

• Win the trip
• Win the money
• Start saving for the trip: Start a new revenue stream, sell some of unused stuff that are in good condition, etc

Your job is to be opened to take every opportunity that comes your way. 

Still nothing?

So it’s been a couple of months already but the trip is nowhere to be seen. You start feeling discouraged. 

“I did everything to manifest this trip but something seem not to be right. I wish upon a star,  and meditated an hour a day to win this trip. I know it works equally for everybody but it is not working for me.. I followed all the tricks I found online, I deeply wished and hoped, I felt it like it was true, I put it in my vision board, I have a picture of the hotel in Bora Bora as a screensaver, I changed all my passwords to itraveltoborabora, I felt the breeze on my face, I promise! I was close to wear my beach dresses every day and to put sand in my living room.

I even met  the universe half way and start saving for the trip,  participated in every competition to win it but I had to spend the money on something unexpected and I didn’t even come close to be the winner. Law of attraction, manifesting my a***, it doesn’t work for me!“

Okay, Okay. Let’s go bit by bit

First, I will never ask anybody to meditate for that long seriously, especially if you are a mum – I consider myself lucky if I can have a shower without being interrupted –  kudos if you’ve got the time but that doesn’t work for me. I meditate to relax and keep in the flow, I implement mindfulness meditation everywhere I can, and use custom-made meditation and hypnosis audios.

Start simple: search YouTube for nice relaxation meditations, I like Brian Weiss or use an app like Insight Timer, that was suggested by intuitive coach Kristin Quattlebaum from KQ Coaching in our Facebook Group.

You did everything right! But… nothing

We all have been there! You did everything right but if the trip hasn’t happened then you have to dig a bit deeper. Most people don’t do it because it is sometimes painful to face those demons, not so much when it comes to manifesting a trip but some other stuff. If it becomes too painful, you may want to contact someone to help you through this. 

If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

– Winston Churchill

Going all in

Let’s see, ask yourself why, digging deeper either by using a mindset tool like journaling or working with a coach you discover that you have I have a fear of flying on a plane. A fear deep inside you,  embedded in your subconscious mind that you probably forgot that it was there or may not even know about it. Like my fear to have shells in my house.

The thing is that until you clear that “fear”, it  will no matter how many times you wish to go to Bora Bora, it won’t happen.  There will be always an excuse to spend the money you saved  and you won’t be the winner of the trip because your subconscious programming, that fear of flying, will sabotage all your attempts to accomplish that goal.  

Remove Obstacles

Clear fear or limiting belief  

Sometimes it is more than one limiting belief but only by clearing the more obvious one you can discover the other ones but you’ll see a big progress when you start with the first one. 

I had to work through and clear traumatic events in my life in order to progress, some other times I had to face my inner critic and learning to listen to her with attention and no judgement. 

Remove as many obstacles as possible to bring you closer to that goal and you’ll see that you’ll get what you ask for. You may win it, get pay rise or a bonus at work, have an awesome idea and start making money, a friend gifting it to you, etc. Everything is a possibility.

Everything that happens in your life serves a purpose, be patient and kind to yourself.

Sign up for my mailing list to receive the manifesting road map with a clear exercise to start training yourself towards manifesting. 

 

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A chat with transformational coach Jennifer Willemsen.

If you want to change your life, you may want to check what habits and behaviours that are creating your current reality and modify them to create new results.

In this interview, Jennifer Willemsen, from our team, explains why it is sometimes difficult to get a different result when we rely on our willpower or on our conscious mind and what to do instead.

We also talk about how alternative therapists change behaviours from the root itself and identify what are the beliefs that hold people back and how emotional triggers are a blessing in disguise because they help us evolve, grow and heal from within.

Transcription

Jennifer: I am an intuitive life coach. And I also coach entrepreneurs. And besides that, I have my own startup. But with the coaching,  I have the ability to clear people’s limiting beliefs on a subconscious level and I can integrate new truths that is propelling them forward. And I also share messages from their true selves. So I act like a channeler or messenger about what their real selves wants me to share with them at that moment in their life. So that’s how we work through different areas that where they have blockages or that are holding them back.

Claudia: So, how important is to put things on a surface level so we can see and work through them?

Jennifer: I can’t stress enough how important that is because so we have our conscious mind, right? and our subconscious mind.  Our conscious mind is five percent or less of who we are and how we operate. And so all our programming, to say like that, it’s almost like a computer game and all the programming language, our subconscious minds, actually, ninety five percent. So that’s almost everything that we are in and where are we coming from. I used to be a psychologist and when most therapies you are working on a conscious level, but it’s like you looking at the top of the iceberg and just looking at that and working with the ice sculpture. Well, everything is below sea level. Below the water. So, underneath the water. So, you know, if you want to make changes, it’s really hard work, if you’re going to change the computer game, if you are in a computer game, right? You want to you need to go back to the coding language and rewind your limiting beliefs, rewrite the programming language. And that’s how you create a new computer game. That’s how you redesign your own reality.

Claudia: You can read all the books and you can do all the online programs. But I think it’s important to work with a therapist

Jennifer: Two things I want to say about that. I used to read every book about, for example, the Law of Attraction and then I went to The Secret. I meditated for eight years. I went to thousands of seminars on personal development and business growth. But I still realize like making slow progress. And I felt like something deeper within me, like something from it, from like when it was zero or like two or three, you know, something from a very long time ago that was holding me back. And I need to dig really, really deep. And I learned it like in those. We talk about the programming language is the biggest chunk of that comes from our age of zero and seven. So it’s really difficult to get there with your conscious mind. You know that you can get far a bit with like meditation, hypnosis or do it yourself, but you really want to have someone who can easily tune in on you and say, you know, this is it.

Though, where most therapists go on emotional level and try to work with that, what I do and maybe also other alternative coaches,  we go deeper on the energetic level and we create shifts there and then automatically because the energetic body is a driving source behind our physical, spiritual, emotional body and so many more bodies that I don’t know the existence of. You go straight to the root and then it’s so incredibly profound and it doesn’t require you to cry it all out. It just shifts to an identity and you will immediately notice that it changes your behaviour because their roots have changed.

Triggers

Claudia:  We [Human beings] are in constant evolution. How triggers help us go that extra step up?

Well, you know, remember we talked about ego and indifferent to ego versus our true selves. And so ego wants us to stay small and comfortable and not do anything crazy. And these that cause of their anxiety, insecurity and fear and our true self is like sees our bigger picture of our life, knows why we came here and wants us to step into our greatness and like, try. You know. But most people, their ego is like so dominantly in their presence or active in them that their true self. That’s why many people say higher self because it’s almost like your higher self stepped away from you, because there’s almost no space for it, because ego is all around you. Is that truth within you? And so ego is almost like if you look at it as in the sense of evolution, it’s almost a self, because every time your ego gets triggered, it’s a mirror for where you need healing on the inside, though. And when I start to realize that, I find it so more empowering because I used to get really anxious when I felt anxiety or I used to get really like talking myself lower and lower when I guess when I got like, negative self-talk. But now I’m like, wait a minute, this is ego. What is my trigger and what is my weak spot? And so that creates the opportunity to break, to evolve and grow and heal from that space.

Working with a coach

Claudia: If a tennis player wants to become the best tennis player, he hires a coach. In car raising, in any sport, they hire a coach. So if you want to become better, and the fact that we have the internet, it makes it easier to get the right person to work with the right person, someone that you feel good and close. Not everyone is for everybody.

Jennifer: It’s hard to see everything about your own life. If you are having that from the inside perspective of you, you know, if you are in it and someone looks at it from the outside perspective, you can gain so much clarity in such a short amount of time. You don’t have to do it all alone. People who can help me so quickly and it can be so nice to know that one’s for you and supporting you and having that nourishing, loving energy of another human being that has your best interest in her heart. Yeah, I think that’s really a gift for yourself.

Work with Jennifer

You can find Jennifer in our wonderful directory of life, transformational and intuitive coaches. You can book a 15-minute online discovery call to find out how she can help you move forward with your business and clear limiting beliefs that are hindering your growth right now and share intuitive business guidance that is coming through for you.

I used Sonix transcription software to transcribe a zoom chat into this blog post. How cool is that! Get 30 minutes free transcription >>>>

Dream big, this is your life, own your power.

First you need to claim your power back. You are too much into being you, the way you have always be, the way that is no longer making you happy.

If you want to reach your next level, first you need to step out of your comfort zone.

Back in 2014 I had the idea to start an online business for multiple reasons. First of all, a personal one, to have flexibility in my work hours and second of all, because I had this business idea and I wanted to pursue it, it was bigger than me.  I spent a whole year working on a logo (whhyyyyy????) until my computer broke.

I wasted another year thinking: how is it going to work? I taught myself website creation. It was a wedding planner website. I love planning and budgeting, I love websites, I love weddings.

I’m grateful I found Business Jump and helped me create find something aligned with me and my purpose, they helped me create the first version of this website, they taught me all about an online business and started this new chapter in my life.

Starting a businessreminded me:  It’s all mindset

I needed a mindset shift, my current mindset gave me my current life, but I wanted to do something different I wanted to be my own boss.

Mindset takes time

Let’s start from the beginning

I always believed in the power of the mind. My grandfather introduced me to that fact that we only use 10% of our brains. Competitive as I am, I said I’m going to use at least 80% of it! But  I started wondering where the other 90% was and what powers I would have it I used it all.

I think I was 6 but I don’t really remember, I could’ve been 10. He left this world when I was 13 but he is still a massive influence in my life. He announced his dead on my 13^th birthday, reason my subconscious mind registered a fear of the number 13, a fear I have recently overcome.  I couldn’t do anything if I saw the number 13, hang up a 13 minute long phone call, go out at 13:00, rent the apartment 13, sit in the allocated seat 13 in the movie theatre, even if it was allocated to me. Once I offered a choc top (and revealed myself as a crazy person) in the movies just to swap sits with someone. I think they were more scared of me than they wanted the choc top! 

My grandfather introduced me to all this world of woo woo. I still have the The Silva Mind Control Method book he gave me, with a young picture of me in it that I used as a bookmark.

PS: Papapa, you may already know this, we actually use 100% of our brains, 90% are made up of subconscious programming and nope, I can’t move inanimate objects as I initially thought if I use 100% of my brain, or bring the TV remote control closer to me as I once intended and you laugh, but in 2020 I can turn on the tv by saying “Ok google, turn the tv on”, well, theoretically, if I ever set up that thing correctly.  But my voice turns on the radio, now called Spotify, and Siri or Google whoever is closer, can make calls for me or take notes. You know I always wanted to do this!  I feel accomplished.

When I got older I started reading Deepak Chopra and Wayne Dyer books, I was a recurrent visitor of the “self-help” aisle in the bookstore. Years went past and I was well into meditation and tarot readings, feng shui,  energetic healing, rituals and crystals.

I was only 26 and I had a flourishing career in finance, a good position in the coporate ladder. I achieved great things, academic and career wise. However, I struggled with my personal life, I guess something got to give and I didn’t know balance back then.

My relationships were not productive, not only the romantic ones.

My interactions with family and other people were bad. I know now that was due to a misalignment between my goals and my actions.

My words were creating my reality

In the romance department, I had the fear of being hurt and was going from a destructive relationships to another, really destroying any opportunity of a long term commitment. I was all over the shop.

One day I realised that I needed help.

Finding a therapist

Sometimes the first person you go to is not the person who will help you. Finding a good therapist is so important:

• you need to get along with him/her,
• feel comfortable and
• trust she/he can help you.

The first therapist I saw was by recommendation. He taught me relaxation techniques.  Thinking that my  emotional problems were due to stress and maybe they were. But going straight to relaxation techniques was like putting a bandage on a broken bone.  I needed deeper healing.

Don’t ask me to light candles and relax when I’m about to burst into flames myself.

We were not the right fit.

This applies to everything in your life, a job, a person you hire, a romantic partner. Neither off you are good or bad, just not the right fit.

I found my next therapist on an online directory. She was fantastic and together we worked on the underlying issues that were causing the problem. She made me aware of the language I was using to and how it influence my behaviour, made me realised that my actions, my words and my goals were not aligned.  

I needed to be congruent, align my actions, my words and my thoughts.

Someone I love said that therapy is for the weak, that I don’t needed it and my therapist was only pocketing my money and not healing me.

Why did I listen? Again this person may have had bad experiences with therapists but again, is about finding the right fit. Needing a therapist doesn’t mean you are broken, you are not broken, you don’t need fixing, you are not weak you are perfect as you are, you just need someone to help organise the knots in your head.

The best athletes need a coach, why the best human being won’t need a coach?

I left therapy, I wasn’t completely healed but I was in a better place.

Discovering meditation

I underwent knee surgery and had to do rehabilitation to learn to walk again after several months of pain and not being able to walk properly. 

I had to go to a place that was getting renovated and the noise was unbearable. The only way I found to block the noise was meditating. I started very slowly, focusing on the imaginary dot between my eyes, focusing all my attention in that dot, letting all my thoughts pass by until I couldn’t hear any more outside or inside noise.  

I remember one time one of the nurses apologised for the noise, “how annoying it was” and how other patients were complaining as well. I said, what noise? It took me few weeks to get to that level, but I practiced, and practiced and practiced.

The Secret (Film) and its influence in my life

At the time, the movie The Secret came out. I bought the book and then watched the movie. I tried all the tricks of the book and movie. 

It made me realised that you craft your own reality. I started doing vision boards. 

I started manifesting, I started getting the same spot in the carpark all the time, getting a spot on a busy carpark, getting checks in the mail. It was pretty cool!

My mum recently mentioned that she remembers all the things I said I wanted for my life and that is how live my life today. 

I joined a meditation class, learned to read tarot, learned a bit about healing power of crystals, discovered The Passion Test. I’m now  a consultant so I can help other woman discover their passion and purpose. I’m so excited for this! Because it is an eye opening exercise that helps you discover your top passions. It has given me crystal clear on the direction of my life and what to focus on, it comes very handy in decision making time.

Thanks to therapy and all the above. I was enjoying mutually nurturing relationship with my family, friends and colleagues, I broke my destructive patterns in romantic relationships and found an awesome partner, I got the money to come to Australia and study an MBA that will further my career as an accountant and financial analyst. 

I was at a good level

But I stopped.

I went all the way down to rock bottom.

I surrounded myself with people that called all these practices crap.

I let them convince me these practices don’t work, and the worst part was: I listened to them!

I gave them the power to convince me that it doesn’t exist, that doesn’t work, and they ridiculed me for believing on it.

I was ashamed, felt stupid and stop all my practices.

I left my morning meditation for prosperity, my gratitude practice, journalling, my crystals, my tarot. Because “all are product of fantasy”,  “You are so third world country thinking these things work”, “All this law of attraction is just marketing b/s taking people’s money”

Depression, Anxiety, Panic Attacks

After 3 years, I ended up depressed, with anxiety and having panic attacks. Not able to enjoy life. The worst part is that I couldn’t see the way out. I was losing hope. I was so deep in a rut, no seeing the way out of it, in a dead end job. 

I think I seriously lived the same day over and over again. 

Self-confidence and self-love were out the window. I was so vulnerable that I was subject of work bullying. 

I’m glad I went to my GP because of my constant headaches and low energy. She recommended me to see a therapist. The bullying incident was the trigger.

Claiming my power back

With the help of a life coach who thought me mindfulness techniques I learned to manage the panic attacks and anxiety. I found a good job that helped me move forward with my career, with nicer people.  I stop seeing the people who were putting me down and surrounded myself with more like minded ones. Still no meditation, gratitude or woo woo practices but mindfulness. I started building my toolkit and gaining confidence in myself.

Fast forward to August 2017, I opened an email. One of the ones  of my old mentors that I didn’t unsubscribed from.

I’m glad I did. Thanks to that email I re discovered the power of the mind and all the practices I forgot about.

I was sceptical but since some of the methods started to work for me again, I decided to give it a go.

I realised that believing that all those practices don’t work, was acting as self-fulling prophecy, nothing worked and attracted all the misery I was in.

Those are beliefs too, but beliefs that were not serving me.

I completely disregarded my inner voice and trusted everyone else but myself. I put on at least 10 kg trying to shut up that inner voice with rubbish food, hello emotional eating!

I re discovered the Passion Test, mindset work, gratitude and how limiting beliefs work. I remembered all the techniques that worked, how it worked, and built from there.

It is NOT psychobabble

I actually found the bridge between our brain wiring, neurological science and all the woo stuff.

Like for example I don’t believe of the power of rituals as for the ritual itself but because in the ritual you set the intention, you truly believe that is going to work, that is why you go to the effort of doing the ritual and you have no doubts that what the results you are after are going to materialise. If for some reason it doesn’t work (or fast enough) you repeat the ritual until what you ask for becomes real.  You don’t lose focus, commitment or faith.

The law of attraction respond to the Reticular Activation System or RAS.

If I say to you, think of the colour blue and you start thinking on the colour blue, you look around and all the things that are blue will stand out. So when you put a thought, a goal, you’ll be automatically attracted to follow the lead or initiative that will get you closer to your goal. Your brain does the work.  The same applies to tarot or oracle cards, you vibrational energy will attract you to the things that can deliver you the message you are after, the same way I took to random bottles of nail polish in the nail salon and they deliver the answer I was looking for.

Why Wellfulness?

Wellfulness is the combination of the words wellness and mindfulness. Wellness trough mindfulness and it was how I define happiness.

The word “happy” gave me anxiety  (not anymore) and  the song “Happy” by Pharrel  used to trigger me. I have come a long way from there.

Defining Happiness as Wellfulness marks the turning point in my life when I discovered mindfulness and start recovering after touching rock bottom.

Wellfulness now offer a team of therapists that are aligned with my energy and ready to help you find what you are looking in your life. 

Why mindset?

Because it all starts in your mind. What you hear, your subconscious programming, what you choose to belief.

I’ve seen so many women struggling with mindset and limiting beliefs resulting in anxiety, not progressing in their relationships, career or businesses.  I can see that are the stories they are telling themselves what is holding them back and we can find what it is by just having a chat. Find a great alternative therapist in our directory and start changing the narrative.

I’ve been there and I want to share my experience and help them build their own mindset toolkit.

My mindset toolkit contains:

• Audio: music , meditation, hypnosis (personalised and general audios)
• Diffrent Techniques I’ve learnt (EFT, affirmations, journalling, etc) 
• Links to book a sessions with therapists

I read somewhere that once you reach certain level, you need to share it, you can’t just keep it for you any longer, otherwise it is useless unless you out of service of others. This is my intention with Welfulness, share with you everything that works for me, from when I started to where I am at now. It’s a constant evolution.

Why self-care?

Self-Care is instrumental. Mindset shifts takes time, patience and work. It is a way to show kindness and reward yourself. Boost your confidence.

Self Care comes in many shapes and forms.

First of all,  give yourself permission to eliminate the clutter from your life. Both emotional and physical clutter, free yourself from baggage, forgive, let go and move forward. Set healthy boundaries

Create a work and home environment that nourishes you and keep it that way. I love Marie Kondo’s approach of everything has a place, be grateful, throw away things that don’t bring you joy.  Another Marie Kondo teaching that I like is to not declutter for anyone else but yourself.  Don’t complain that your husband is the hoarder (or flatmate, or family member). Just start tidying up your own stuff, they will follow.

Same way you don’t fix anyone else’s life but yours, they will start changing too.

Taking care of your finances is another way of self-care, and please do not compare yourself with anyone else. Everyone is living its own experience.

So this self-care, Is it just one weekend off a year or booking a massage on your birthday? No, it’s an every day practice or at least once a week.

Do you feel self are is selfish? That you don’t deserve it? A weekend off is just enough?

Try this:

• Set up a self -care routine. List your options.
• Allocate a budget to it, either a massage, cleansing bath or nourishing face creams, a session with a therapist.
• Schedule time just for you.
• Grant yourself permission to walk away from people that puts you down, that you feel like you need to play down your achievements in order for them to be happy and not making them feel bad

Own your light, you deserve to be who you are.

Mindset & Self Care Facebook group.

Surround yourself with smart, self-aware people interested in two ways relationships were both parties feel inspired and growth. Where we can learn from each other and lift each other up.

This is why I’m committed to growing a community of likeminded women, Mindset & Self Care for the Superachiever Woman in Business.

Not long ago, Harvard released a study on happiness showing that the secret of happiness is relationships. Positive and nurturing relationships. The human brain thrives in positive environments as well. In positive environments, you feel creative,  you find solutions to problems, you are focused.

My goal in the Facebook group is to create a community with a positive environment, which encourages participants to share what is helping for them, their concerns, tips and techniques to help each other grow our souls and reach our goals.

Join us here!

Let me share with you my roadmap to success, to make everything you ever dreamt of become a reality. It’s easier than you think.

 

Attract anything your heart desires in 7 simple steps

Sign up below to receive a have a blueprint to create the life you deserve even if you believe it is not possible.

i want this! 

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How my limiting beliefs got in the way of my beloved Feng Shui practice

Most beliefs are formed in our childhood.

 

My face:

My heart stopped for a little when I saw those shells.

Looking at those shells sparked all the fears associated with keeping shells at home, I only thought of all the bad things that could happen if I let those shells stay.

Thanks to years of inner work I’ve developed the ability to know where the fears come from; I’m not always able to transform or reframe those beliefs on my own but at least I can recognise them.

I had buried the belief that shells are bad deep inside my subconscious mind, it’s not something I think of every day, but I knew if I keep all the shells I’ll be focusing in the negative and worse attracting it.

Beliefs are formed in our childhood and even though we don’t think of them daily, they are present and rule our lives.

It is not messing up with my life and out of all the beliefs I need to reconsider maybe this is not an important one. Our experiences shape the way we live our lives, so pick and choose your battles.

There are harmful beliefs and useful beliefs, if the belief is not hurting you or stopping you from reaching your goals, or holding you back from being successful, then it is fine, keep it.

I could potentially transform this belief by working with a therapist and using a tool from my mindset toolkit.

I could find evidence that shells are actually good, I can rewrite my past, show my brain that it is safe to keep the shells at home.

What did I do with the shells?

As for the shells, I didn’t let the thought worry me. I thanked my son for being so thoughtful in collecting those shells for me and secretly dispose of them in the bin the next day. Thirty days later, at the time of writing this post, no one has asked for the shells yet.

To chat about Feng Shui, Ego, Limiting beliefs join our Facebook group.

Personal boundaries are about respecting yourself and demanding respect from others. It’s about knowing which behaviours, from family members or colleagues at work, you are willing to tolerate and which you are not. Setting boundaries will help you feel in power and in control of yourself instead of feeling like a victim.

Setting personal boundaries means to establish reasonable and safe guidelines or limits for people to behave towards you and how you would respond if someone crosses them.

But demanding something for ourselves can leave us feeling uncomfortable so we need to learn how to healthily set them without feeling bitchy, guilty or mean.

Being a nice person doesn’t mean you need to be a people pleaser.

How to effectively set personal boundaries

Value yourself. You have the ability to set your own boundaries as you see fit. Learn to know yourself and your values. Few people will treat you better than you demand, so take responsibility for taking care of yourself.

Define yourself. Do not let anyone else define you. Decide who you are, what you want to be, and how you deserve to be treated. What are you willing to accept from others? What are you no longer willing to accept?

Make yourself your priority. No one else is more important than you. Running yourself ragged for others really isn’t helping anyone. You’ll be a better person, parent and partner if you take good care of yourself.

Know your triggers. You can’t control everyone, but you can make it clear that you won’t tolerate rude or negative comments. They are comments or actions that affect you deeply. By becoming aware of your triggers, you can learn to notice when others are “pushing your buttons” and consciously calm yourself to tone down your reaction.

Communicate openly. When people cross your boundaries, it’s up to you to inform them. Many times, this is as simple as refusing a request. The word No is a complete sentence. You may be required to provide more explanation in other instances but don’t justify yourself, be firm. Others are unable to give you what you want if you don’t provide feedback.

Avoid taking things personally. Learn how to brush off comments that don’t matter,  these are never a reflection of you, anyway. Handle issues with kindness and respect. Use a neutral and calm tone of voice while communicating. Take your time to defuse from your emotions.

Work on your body language. Body language is extremely important in any situation. When trying to become more assertive, your body language must reflect this as well. Stand straight, speak up, make sure your hands aren’t crossed over your chest, and maintain eye contact with whomever you’re speaking with. When you look confident, people will perceive you as such.

Having boundaries is an exercise in caring for and respecting yourself. You have the right to expect a certain level of respect and consideration from others. Boundaries are not only good for your self-esteem and general mental health, but they are good for all other aspects of your life. They also help to put you in a better position to care for your friends and family.

Introduce changes gradually and test them. Be committed and patient. Developing and mastering new skills take time. Nurture yourself with self-care. Self-care is the best and easiest way to build your confidence up.

Early this year, I had an incident in my son’s childcare centre that marked a turning point for me.

I felt all the mum-guilt being put on my back, and I felt blame for all that was going on. I felt I was failing as a mum for making my son behave like this. I’m sure you, as a mum, have felt like this before. No one can prepare us for this. Am I doing it right? What should I do in these circumstances? Am I being a b*tch?

My current mindset is set to look for the lessons, this incident taught me the following:

1. I need to work on setting boundaries and becoming more assertive.
2. I must step away from the mum-guilt
3. My role as a mum is to support my son’s wellbeing and to guide him through change while checking on my own wellbeing as well.

Last February, when I picked my son up from daycare, his main carer told me he’d been looking sad, hadn’t been eating properly, had been hiding from her and not interacting with other kids.

“Something may be upsetting him”; his behaviour had been this way for weeks.

She asked me all the routine questions: “Have there been any changes at home?” She also asked a question that triggered me: “Is his daddy still around?” I wanted to say: WTF! That is a personal question. You are crossing boundaries here, and if his daddy is around or not or if there’s no daddy at all is none of your business. 

but.. I didn’t say anything, just left the centre crying, thinking what did I do to upset my son that much! 

Triggers

When facing a problem, something that sparks an instant reaction, ask yourself, why is this triggering me?* 

Why did it trigger me?

• Because we made changes at home. I resigned from my corporate job to start a business in order to spend more time with my son, but he clearly didn’t like it because he was upset. I’d better be working full-time, going back to “normal” because I wasn’t doing a good job as a mum since I was causing distress to my son.
• I was dealing with my own set of changes from being an employee to being a business owner.
• Because I felt she crossed a professional boundary, and I blame myself because I was always allowing that to happen, “people never respect you, Claudia”
• Because my whole life I’ve been battling anxiety and depression. Maybe he had inherited this from me, or he was projecting me at daycare.

That’s the story my brain created. There’s a need to process and explain everything; it’s how we are wired. However, my conclusions were based on assumptions, not reality.

The Ladder of Inference

“ The Ladder of Inference describes the thinking process that we go through, usually without realizing it, to get from a fact to a decision or action” – Mindtools

I was high up in that ladder, assuming that I was the problem. However, it may not be true at all. In order for me to find the facts, I needed to step down the ladder to find out what was really going on.

Bye, bye, blame, guilt, feeling bad about myself, beating myself up for feeling I was failing as mum. I needed to stop thinking “I don’t want to be a “difficult person” when I asked them to investigate the matter further and decided to take action. I needed to get over the thoughts of being the “annoying mum” because I was concerned for his emotional wellbeing, but then more guilt and anxiety came because “I don’t want to be a helicopter mum.”

Stripping down to facts

Changes at home happened 6 months before this incident, and sure, I was still adjusting, but we were happy spending time together.

There have been changes in the centre in recent weeks: 3 staff members had left and we started toilet training. His closest friends had moved to a different room on another floor once the oldest kids left to start school. One of his favourite carers moved on with his career and left.

I think all the above situations can have massive impact on the life of a then almost 3-year-old and could explain his withdrawal behaviour in the centre.

Defuse your emotions

By defusing my emotions, I was able to think clearly, and then I knew what I had to do.

I was very happy with how the centre handled the situation. They listened to my concerns and supported my request for changing carers. He went to a new room with his old mates and was back to being his usual self. He still enjoys playing solo, but no one is concerned about that, certainly not me.

Changes affect us all… but not all of us cope in the same way.

In my mindset toolkit I keep tools to help me strip down to the facts so I could find a solution. However, how did I fail to recognise my son’s struggles with change?

Ask for help, you don’t need to have all the answers

Even though no one prepares you for motherhood, we have people around us who can help us become the parent we want to be. One of them is Jodie Thornton.

Jodie Thornton is a parenting coach who helps mothers build their kids’ emotional skills. She sees this pattern regularly where we adults look to our conditioning first to explain any issues that our kids are experiencing. So daycare educators often look to the most common reasons for a particular behaviour – in this case she may have seen similar behaviour from kids when their parents have separated – and we mothers are quick to assume that the cause must be our failings as mothers, as our culture tells us that we are usually to blame.

“It is that cultural conditioning that is getting in the way of us adults looking to what is happening for kids as individuals in the specific situation they are in” Jodie said.

Our cultural conditioning often goes even further to say that when our kids are experiencing change, that we should just ride it out and accept that our kids are having a hard time, sometimes from a softer space of “they’ll get used to it” and often from the harder energy of “they need to understand the world doesn’t revolve around them”.

While time often does help, in this case with my son while there was a lot of change happening in his life, it turned out that the specific change that had affected him was an issue with this educator which time was not going to solve. Potentially the educator could have improved her relationship with my son but time alone wouldn’t have been enough. If I had chosen to ride out the changes, or if I had been focused on the changes at home, I wouldn’t have realised that a positive relationship with the carer was what my son really needed.

Jodie’s suggestions for helping our kids through change:

1. Treat any ideas that come up about how the changes are affecting your child as just ideas. 99 children might have the same reaction to a situation but the 100th child might have a different reaction. Our children need support for their specific experience rather than what is likely happening for them based on the situation.
2. Regularly mention the changes without any agenda for the conversation so that your child is turning their attention to how they are feeling about it. Use sentences that aren’t leading to positive or negative feelings, just stating the facts so that it leaves space for them to share whatever might be coming up for them: “It’s so different at your new daycare” “You used to have Aaron as your carer and now you have Jane” “I’m at home more these days now that I have my business”. Sometimes validating their feelings about the process of change is all that is needed and sometimes you’ll find out new information about what they need to help them thrive through the change.
3. For young children, creating a scene with toys in play to mirror the changes allows them to role-play to process their feelings, find words to and get creative about what solutions they might like to ask for. So set up the dolls or transformers and say “oh look, this is a kid going to daycare and they are saying goodbye to Aaron because he doesn’t work here anymore. And now here’s Jane, the new carer” This can be a brilliant insight into how your child is feeling and what they’re thinking about the changes.

Once you believe you’ve worked out the cause of their struggle to accept the change, try out a solution and keep an open mind. It’s normal to need to try a few things to help them fully adjust to the change.

And finally, Jodie suggests that you have some support to move through change too. Part of the role of the village in raising our kids is how they support us to process how we feel, to be supported and to lovingly let us know that we might be focusing on blaming ourselves rather than looking impartially at what our kids are really needing right now.

And finally, Jodie suggests that you have some support to move through change too. Part of the role of the village in raising our kids is how they support us to process how we feel, to be supported and to lovingly let us know that we might be focusing on blaming ourselves rather than looking impartially at what our kids are really needing right now.

*Resources available for you right now:

Listen to Jim Fortin’s podcast episode on triggers to start seeing them as blessings. Click here

Book a session with Jodie Thornton and follow her on Facebook.

How busy are you these days? So many things you want to get done but just don’t have the time? It happens to the best of us. There just aren’t enough hours in the day sometimes. There are many things that you can now do online from the comfort of your home, including online shopping, banking online and catching up on the news. There are now also options to have certain appointments via video link on your computer. This has made life a lot easier in that regard as it means you do not need to spend time travelling to and from and it can be a lot more efficient for you.

Appointments such as those with your life coach or business coach or therapist can be done via online video link. Many people wonder if this method is efficient and works in the same way as an in-person appointment would. In our experience, this method is still highly successful for the involved parties and can have a very positive impact on you. There are many reasons why we think that this works and can continue to work moving forward.

Timing

One of the reasons that various appointments seem to take forever is because once you factor in the travel to and from, the parking and then the waiting for your turn – they tend to take forever! The benefit of having your appointment via video link is that you do not need to go anywhere in the lead up to the appointment. You can continue doing your day to day activities in the lead-up and then jump over to the computer once it is time to commence. This means that you are maximizing your time management.

Comfort

Being in the comfort of your own home means that you can make yourself as comfortable as possible for your appointment. Your therapist or coach is not going to mind if you have a blanket wrapped around you during your appointment. They want you to be as comfortable as possible and be in a position where you are happy to talk and release your emotions. This is a lot easier to do in a familiar place where you feel comfortable. You do not need to worry about walking out of the appointment and having people in the waiting room looking at you because you have tears running down your face or because you have become anxiety.

Confidence

Being in a familiar place with things that mean something to you, will help you to release the emotions, talk about the harder issues and push you to build your confidence. You will be more inclined to talk about the harder subjects, knowing that you are in a safe place. Your confidence levels will be boosted and you will be able to push through your boundaries and come up with some great plans and ideas.

Personalised

Being just one on one with your therapist or coach – even via video link gives a much more personal feel. When you have an appointment in an office, even though you are the only two in the room you know that there are a room full of people on the other side of the wall. You know that there will be people who see you walk in and out of the appointment. If you are struggling with self-esteem issues, mental health issues or anxiety, completing your appointments via video link can be very beneficial because it means that you are able to have your appointment and get the help you are seeking without the issue of your anxiety flaring up from being around people.

There are instances where online appointments may not work, for example, if you need to go through paperwork together or if you have an unstable internet connection. However, if you are in a position to do online appointments and your reasons for doing it are beneficial then we highly recommend it. 

It does not matter how you seek the assistance, as long as you find a way that works for both you and your coach and provides you with the answers you are seeking.

Limiting beliefs are formed early in our life. They come from our own experiences while learning this world. They come from society, our family and our ancestors. Today I’m going to fill you in on a few truths, and show you: How to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs. 

Not all beliefs are bad ones. Some of them are useful and have helped you accomplish a lot in life already. Look around and see what your beliefs have created for you. I’m sure you can name at least 5 things that you are grateful for and you can thank your belief system for that! 

There are beliefs that were useful at one point in your life but when you want to reach another chapter, up-level even, they may be holding you back. Like the belief that being a mother and a professional are mutually exclusive. The belief that men earn more than women or that the only way to make consistent money is to work in an office.

Our own experiences, what we hear and common beliefs help to shape our belief system.

But…….just because the majority of society believes something, it doesn’t mean that it is truth. 

And………..news flash! Just because you believe something, it doesn’t mean that it is a truth.

Misbeliefs throughout history

The common belief before the 3rd century BC was that Planet Earth was flat. That is was supported upon the backs of elephants and sea turtles. What now seems totally outrageous, back then, everyone accepted as truth. It took one person to challenge that belief and reveal that it just didn’t stack up.

However, even today,  a fair few still think the Earth is flat. They are called the Flat Earthers and believe that all theories that prove that the Earth is round or spherical are wrong. I found the Flat Earthers while researching about the most common strange beliefs, and I was surprised to find these theories. They have very interesting points of view and are convinced that all non flat Earthers are living a lie. There is even a Netflix documentary about this group. Round or flat? How does that belief affect your life?  

Probably not much but I want you to understand one important thing:

For every belief you will find at least one true and one false piece of evidence out there to support the case.

How to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs

For every belief you will find at least one true and one false (for and against) statement; or five, or as many as you need to prove it. The human brain is constantly looking for ways to validate our beliefs. 

The question to ask yourself is: How is [insert limiting belief] serving you? 

If the answer reveals that a belief is not serving you, then find statements or examples that prove to you that the opposite of that belief is true.

Here’s an example:

Let’s see how this works in practice…..

Say my friend Greta was a very successful professional, but when she became a mum, her priorities changed. She started hearing everyone saying that being a mum and having a successful corporate career are mutually exclusive. Everyone is saying it, so it must be true that mums with young kids can’t have successful careers. 

Greta defines a successful career as to be in a leadership role, earning six figures or more.

Is this belief serving Greta? No. It’s creating anxiety in her world. Making her feel like she’s failing as a mum and failing as a professional. It’s holding her back from being a successful career woman.

Hey Greta, good news, if that belief is not serving you, you can look for examples in that statement to prove that it is in fact false. I’ll help you.

I can name a few Hollywood actresses:  Mindy Kaling, Jennifer Gardner; Jacinda Arden, the Prime Minister of New Zealand or Mary Barra, chairwoman and CEO of General Motors Company.

So…..using just a handful of examples with the women mentioned above, you can see that is actually possible to achieve a successful career and have children.

Now the question is, what do you need to do in order to become that person?

How to recognise and overcome your limiting beliefs

Beliefs vs Facts

We can change a belief but we can’t change a fact.

A fact for Greta’s statement is that the child is going to need someone to care for him/her. Either herself, a nanny or childcare. 

List all your options

What do I require to have a job in the corporate business and be the mum I want to be?

What do I require to build a profitable business and be the mum I want to be?

I can’t do it all, who can help me?

Build your resources.

What can I do to make my life easier?

Which of all these options will make me happier?

That’s a question you need to answer yourself. 

There is one tool that has helped me to answer that question: The Passion Test.

It helped me rank my passions and desires in order of importance, so every time I’m faced with a decision I look at my list and ask myself: will this bring me closer or further ways from my top passions? 

• Recognise your limiting beliefs. What’s holding you back?
• List the facts and analyse your options.

There really is a solution for every challenge.

Identifying your blocks is the necessary first step to rid yourself of them. Only then can you begin to attract what you truly desire.

Watch this video to learn how to supercharge your visualisation & manifestation with a 3-step formula that wasn’t revealed in “The Secret”